Becoming A Force of Nature

This video speaks volumes to me... and not only because it's from one of my favorite shows ever but because of the message that kept me going in my life. It was my mantra.

I will give you the breakdown of how my life was difficult starting from the beginning, maybe not in depth but enough to get a glimpse on who I am.

As you are aware from my previous post, I was born and raised in New York State, but I eventually returned there. After spending some time growing up with both my parents, I was raised by a single mother who served as both my mother and father. I don't want to go into too much detail about my early traumas, which began when I was 4 years old. I'm still working up the bravery to speak about them in public. As of now, I can say that I stopped talking to my father when I was 11 years old because of family issues and an ACS case that was ruled insufficient and false. My father chose his new family over me, and it still hurts years now... but who knows, maybe the relationship will be rekindled? Maybe he'll see the error of his ways? There are too many questions in my head that I'd like to ask, and I'm sure the majority of the girls have felt the same way if they have any "daddy issues."

I experienced extreme depression and sought therapy at an early age to address the issue. I had a long period of struggle before I finally found who I was. I realize that I probably make it seem simple but believe me when I say that it took years of introspection, uncertainty, hard facts, and sincere talks with everyone in my immediate family. Additionally, I experienced bullying in elementary school, which led to a low sense of self-worth in both my personal and general sense of self. I was a quiet kid, but when I started high school, I had to learn how to stand up for myself and speak up, and I did just that. I attended LIC initially before moving to Connecticut in the middle of my freshman year. I stayed there until the end of my sophomore year, at which point I returned to New York and enrolled at LaGuardia Middle College. I detested that school so much because it was too small and, given how free it was, I doubt I would have attended classes if I had stayed.

I learned how to defend myself in Connecticut because I had too... the school was 97% Jewish 2% Hispanic and 1% African American and let's just say I don't miss that part of my life at all.

Anyway...

You may recall from my previous post that I recently lost my aunt, and I have experienced so much loss in the last three years that it actually makes my soul ache every time I think about it. I know the video depicts loss, and while it is sad, it also makes you a part of who you are, allowing you to grow in ways you never thought possible. As heartbreaking as it may appear at the time, I know that the people I lost are now resting peacefully and watching over me, and I'm also on this journey to make them proud.

Everything you've ever gone through, mental, physical, and emotional, has left you with battle scars... something to be proud of because it's made you more solid. I understand that not everyone will see it that way, but when you do, I believe you'll realize that everything you've been through has made you stronger... I'm still having difficulty seeing this in myself, but I know it's true. People have told me that I have pain in my eyes, but that I am strong; I empathize with others because I can feel their pain as if it were my own; some may consider this a weakness, but I see it as a strength. 

I hope you will one day too... 

Moving along.

I was having trouble keeping everything together before this year, when I received my BA in psychology. Like I'm sure many of you have experienced, my life hasn't always been simple, and getting to where I am has not been easy. The saying "nothing worth having comes easy" applies here, whether it's a career, a degree, or something else very essential to you. I had five surgeries in the last six years, all quite close to one another. Despite the agonizing procedures, my main objective has always been to complete my education. Every time I had a surgery, it seemed unachievable because they said I would want to rest and recuperate, that the pain would be unbearable, that I wouldn't be able to move around very well, and that physical therapy would be too much. 

I was still able to keep fighting. I had my first surgery in 2018 due to a sports injury I sustained in 2011, during my first year of high school. When I felt my hip pop during a competition while I was on the swim team, I went to a lot of doctors (NYU, HSS, etc.), but none of them could figure out what was wrong. Naturally, I told them no when they asked to be admitted to the psych ward. To cut a long tale short, I suffered for the next seven years until an amazing doctor identified the problem and performed the necessary surgery. 

The second was a cholecystectomy (removal of the gallbladder) during COVID-19. It was an unbearable time, and I was unable to eat or visit the hospital; I didn't get checked out until the end of 2020. I stayed inside for the most of that time, which is why I waited so long—my immune system is weak, and I get sick quickly. Ankle surgery was the third, which is embarrassing but entirely my own fault. My ankle became sprained when I fell into a ditch.

Another little fun fact about me is I'm accident prone, no matter what the circumstances... I can be as careful as I want and still have a minor injury.

When it comes to odd's I never have the best chances... I've chosen to accept this fact but still push through any obstacles that come my way. The fourth was my most severe and painful surgery, I had a TTO which is a Tibial Tubercle Osteotomy and if you did anatomy you know 'Osteotomy' means to "cut or reshape the bone" so I'll let you decide on how well that went.... with a MPFL ligament repair on my inner thigh next to my knee. The ligament that holds your knee together, mine was all work out from all the sports I did in high school. I did gymnastics, softball and swimming along with Choir, string orchestra and Chamber choir, I was very busy lol, but I loved every second.

My last surgery was another hip surgery that I had this summer in July. I had another hip surgery from a car accident I got into on my 21st birthday... the crash was so bad my labrum teared... not fun! Also, this was the same hip I had the first one so can you imagine? I'm still in recovery but what did I tell you before? I push through anything and everything no matter how difficult. I dealt with physical pain for 7 years and lived at a 10 all that time, so much so that for me it became a 4 after having it so long. It made me very tolerant to pain which is both good and bad.

So, there you have it, some facts about me, who I am as a person, and what I have been through. Now I'll tell you why this video is so important to me: whenever I needed to keep pushing and remind myself of why I'm doing this... I pay close attention. If you're a Grey's Anatomy fan like me, you know how important this speech was over the course of 18 seasons.

"How well you play, that's up to you" I've lived and breathed this quote throughout my life because Life is realistically what you make it. Yeah, you can try manifestation and all, but you can never forget about hard work you need to put in yourself. It inspired me to get to where I am today, here's another fun fact I wanted to become an Orthopedic Surgeon actually but the surgeries I kept having prolonged that dream... therefore I thought to help in another way and hopefully will get my Master's soon to become a Speech Pathologist.

There you have it some fun facts, some real details about my life and what I've been through. I hope it makes you feel more connected to me and that maybe one day we will have a conversation about you.

 

xoxo,

The Muse