The Five Stages of Grief

Grief means "deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death" 

Anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one understands what I mean; especially if you were close to them, it goes well beyond just a word. My life has been filled with many unexpected turns, including the realization that the people I love will eventually pass away, but I have never completely accepted it. On Sunday, I found out that my aunt had died on Friday. Before this news, my family tried to cheer me up, which partially worked, but on Sunday everything went to hell once more because I wasn't feeling particularly well to begin with at the start of the weekend anyway for personal reasons.

Do you ever get the feeling that something horrible is about to happen?  That's how I felt on Friday; something did happen, but it happened during the day, and even though I felt terrible afterwards, I had a pit in my stomach that the weekend would not be any better. People may accuse me of being dramatic or of having negative thoughts, but that's not the case. I follow my instincts and pay attention to my body and the energies I sense around me. When I was younger, I used to say things before they happened, and not because I had premonitions or any of that but just by knowing the facts and everyone called me a "bruja," which translates to "witch" in Spanish. 

I was in shock and disbelief when I learned about my aunt's death. It didn't feel real at the time, and it still doesn't. I don't want to go into too much detail, but when I was younger, I stopped talking to my father's side of the family for various reasons that I might talk about later, and she was one of the people I hadn't spoken to in years. She would always tell people how much she loved and missed me because I was always with her and my cousin when I was younger. We grew up together but lost touch due to unfortunate events. 

At the start of this year, my aunt and I were able to rekindle our relationship and exchange hugs and declarations of love. I believe the reason I'm feeling more emotional than ever is because I assumed I would have more time with her. My grandmother, whom I adore, lost her husband (my grandfather) to lung cancer in 2021. I cried in my room for two weeks straight, and now she has lost her daughter. I can't even imagine how she feels. My aunt had three younger brothers, including my father, who was the second oldest, followed by my other two uncles...my aunt also left behind her daughter...my cousin I feel terrible, and I can't even imagine how they must have felt.

The five stages of grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

I believe that these stages are sometimes mixed up in the emotions, and that grief does not necessarily follow this order. I believe I am in a state of denial and depression, whereas my grandmother is completely depressed. I don't believe it's as simple as listing the stages of grief and saying, "This is what a person goes through when someone dies," because they don't happen in this exact order. Over the last few years, the people I've lost have always been close to the holidays, which makes it even more depressing knowing they should have been here with us to share these moments.

When I was 16, I lost my great grandfather on my mother's side, and a year later, in 2014, I lost my uncle, who was technically my mother's uncle but treated him like an older brother. He was young; he died before the age of 30, leaving behind a wife who adored him and a son. My great grandmother, who was the wife and mother of the people I just mentioned, died in 2020, not from covid, but because her cancer had returned... she was ready to be with my uncle, but my mother was not... 

The same year, a family friend died; he was my first grandfather before I met mine, and he looked after me when I was younger in Florida...Another year later, in 2021, I told you about my grandfather's death, which hit me the hardest because they were not only important people in my life, but they were also best friends who died a year apart. That is the irony of life.

Despite the fact that I am sad and still processing the news of my aunt's death. I'm know she's in a better place now, with my grandfather, who loved her. I say this not just for her, but for everyone who has died who I think about every day and anyone you may have lost too.. It never gets easier, but as time passes by hurt a little less and it helps knowing we will see them again someday.

A quote from one of my favorite movies says:

"The one's that love us never really leave us, you can always find them in here"

Sirius Black was right, they are always with us. Never seen, but we can always feel them.